


Half A Heart Without You

by gyuyoonjae203



Category: Golden Child (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 01:15:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15108719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyuyoonjae203/pseuds/gyuyoonjae203
Summary: A story of how a heart tries to be whole again after being left by its other half.





	Half A Heart Without You

 

> _ I’m leaving so I can fix myself. I hope you’ll understand. I can’t continue doing this to you. You’ve done nothing wrong, I just need some time to make myself whole again. Thank you for everything. Hope you’ll find happiness someday. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Jaeseok _
> 
>  

Five months had passed but Sungyoon was still holding on to that small piece of paper. The only thing he got when Jaeseok left. Sungyoon can’t stop thinking about how this letter will be the only goodbye he gets from the man he loved and still loves. What happened to the plans they made and the promises they shared? With the rain and the sad song from his guitar, he was left with a piece of paper as a goodbye and the large, soft sweater that still holds the scent of him.

 

Was it because of that night? When Sungyoon told him all the hurtful things just because Sungyoon felt like a failure? He feels so dumb telling Jaeseok that he doesn’t love him anymore but he always thought that Jaeseok will still be there no matter how shitty he acts. It was always Jaeseok who understood him. Always Jaeseok who accepts all the fucked up mess that is called Choi Sungyoon.

 

> _ Sungyoon, I know it’s hard but you should at least try and continue living. He wouldn’t want you to be like this.  _ Daeyeol told Sungyoon a few weeks after he left.
> 
>  
> 
> _ Sungyoon, You should eat something at least. Please.  _ Donghyun begged him a few days after he left.
> 
>  
> 
> _ Sungyoon, you should try and get out more often. We miss you so much already.  _ Bomin said after a month he left. Choi Bomin, the bright and fun person he is, can’t even bring the old Sungyoon. 
> 
>  
> 
> _ Sungyoon, will you go and celebrate my birthday with me? _ Jangjun asked barely two months after he left. Not even his best friend can bring out any human reaction from him.
> 
> _ Sungyoon. Please.  _  Everyone who cared about Sungyoon tried. But nothing. No matter how much they cared about him, it will never be enough for Sungyoon to go back and reset his life. Not when all his heart begs of was for Jaeseok to comeback.

 

And now, five months had passed and he is still alive. But nobody would even feel like he’s there anymore.

 

* * *

 

“Is he still alive?” Jangjun asked Daeyeol.

 

“Shhhssh. Jangjun that’s not a good joke.” Daeyeol punched Jangjun for his remark.

 

“Hey, I’m as worried as you are. You know how much I care for this guy.” Jangjun’s silly smile turned into a thin line, full of seriousness that only appears when he talks about how he cares for Sungyoon.

 

“We all care about him. The problem is, Sungyoon stopped caring for himself.” Bomin appears from the kitchen, holding a tray with some food he prepared for Sungyoon.

 

“See, even Bomin learned to cook because of Sungyoon.” Joochan was trying to hold back some tears because he was feeling hopeless for their friend. 

 

“Joochan, wipe your tears, We shouldn’t show him that we are sad.” Daeyeol firmly said, even if he is also trying to hide his own pain.

 

“How long has he been wearing that sweater now?” Jibeom asked.

 

“Ever since Jaeseok left? I think. It was the only thing he left behind.” Jaehyun sighed. Even saying his name hurts. Yes, some of them are still talking to Jaeseok but somehow he avoided to talk to Sungyoon and Jaehyun pities Sungyoon for that.

 

“Jaeseok” Sungyoon mumbled in his sleep. Joochan hurried out of the room. He can’t see his friend like this anymore. Daeyeol followed Joochan to make sure that he will be okay.

 

“Choi Sungyoon. Wake up. You need to eat.” Jangjun walked towards the bed and tried to help Sungyoon to sit. His eyes were blank and all you will be able to see was darkness. Jangjun thought that maybe that darkness will fade someday, but right now they need to get Sungyoon out of that darkness. They need to get their friend back.

 

  
“I cooked that for you.” Bomin said. He never failed to put a smile in his face, hoping that one day Sungyoon would smile back at him. But somehow, until today he got nothing.

 

“Thank you.” Sungyoon stared at the food and at Bomin for a while, thinking of the times when Jaeseok would cook for him the exact food everytime he gets sick. And now he is sick because Jaeseok left.

 

Jangjun sensed that they are losing Sungyoon in his dark thoughts again. “Hey, Sungyoon. There will be a lunar eclipse tonight. Do you want to come and watch it with me?” Jangjun offered as he tries to feed Sungyoon. 

 

“A lunar eclipse?” Sungyoon looked interested for a short moment.   
  


“Yes my friend, a lunar eclipse. Remember how much you love watching the moon and how beautiful the night sky is?” Jangjun added. Trying his best to make Sungyoon realized that he’d been missing a lot.

 

“I can’t remember how the night skies look like anymore.” Sungyoon replied.

 

“See? Then we need to go. We only got a few minutes before the eclipse will start!” Jangjun tried to drag Sungyoon with him.

 

“Wait. I need to change my clothes, I might get this sweater dirty if I go out like this.” Sungyoon started to remove the sweater and Jangjun tried to stop him.

 

  
“Just wear it. We wouldn’t want you to get sick. It is cold out there at the riverside.” Jangjun said as he tried to fix the sweater that looks so large considering that the previous owner of it was Jaeseok.

 

“Okay then. Why the riverside though?” Sungyoon asked thinking of all the time Jaeseok and him spent time with him just watching the view by the riverside. Those moments when he tried to take photos of the blue skies, and the pink skies.Those times when he captured the beautiful face of Jaeseok and turned them into timeless mementos through the polaroid films.

 

“I don’t know. Just thought it would be peaceful and fun to watch there. Come, let’s go?” Jangjun took his bag and some of Sungyoon’s stuffs left.

 

* * *

 

 

The others went home claiming that they have other stuffs to deal with while Jangjun and Sungyoon went and took a cab to go to the riverside. The others sensed that maybe it’s better for Sungyoon to be with Jangjun only as it maybe uncomfortable for him to act normally with all of them around. Somehow, Sungyoon understood what they were doing and clearly, he needed a few people around him right now. Some peace and quiet is all he need if he will try to enjoy something right now.

 

“You are unusually quiet right now, Jangjun.” Sungyoon tried to start a small talk and somehow regrets it as soon as Jangjun asnwered him.

 

“You miss the loud and extra Jangjun? Then I’ll give that to you!” The cab driver flinched from the high pitch voice of Jangjun and Sungyoon chuckled a little bit from what happened. He missed all these little things that he enjoyed before. Sungyoon got 

 

“See you laughed!” Jangjun felt a little hope inside him seeing Sungyoon was still there. At least he is kinda there but not quite.

 

The whole ride continued with silence as Jangjun did not want to push Sungyoon so much. And Sungyoon was lost in his thoughts again. The moment they stepped outside the cab, Sungyoon cannot help but look around. The place was still the same but something was different. 

 

“What was it? The term they use for when you are unable to feel pleasure or happiness from anything?” Sungyoon broke the silence and he didn’t care if Jangjun will know about his thoughts. He just needs to know that word. He just needs the control over what he was experiencing.

 

“I don’t know. You are the smart one, why ask me.” Jangjun mocked him as he pays the cab driver.

 

“Nevermind. I remembered it now.” Sungyoon said.

 

“See? You really are the smart one. Come.” Jangjun took Sungyoon’s hand and dragged him to the riverside. The moon was beautiful tonight and Sungyoon can’t push away his thoughts to enjoy the view.

 

_ Anhedonia _ . That word would explain what Sungyoon was feeling right now.

 

“Oh, look! You are wearing two different pair of shoes!” Jangjun laughed at Sungyoon.

 

“Ugh, That’s it. I’m going home.” Sungyoon said turning back to the road.

 

“Hey, don’t go away. What’s wrong with wearing half the pair of a shoe?” Jangjun said.

 

He decided to stay, at least giving a shot with this moment. And also, he felt guilty, or at least that was what he is supposed to feel right now if he doesn’t feel so numb. Everyone has been trying to help him but all he did was push them away.

 

They waited for the lunar eclipse to happen and somehow, Sungyoon was thankful that he decided to join Jangjun right now. He needed this and he realized he is not empyt at all. He realized that he is just missing a part of him. He is missing the half of him that went with Jaeseok when he left.

 

“Do you miss him?” Jangjun asked Sungyoon. He stared at Sungyoon intently, clearly asking for an answer.

 

“What kind of question is that?” Sungyoon looked away, afraid that he might start to cry and he wouldn’t want Jangjun to see him cry.

 

“You know, I’m here for you. And that talking about it will help you move on.” Jangjun felt that his words may seem empty for Sungyoon but he had nothing to offer but his sincere care for his friend.

 

The air suddenly felt colder against Sungyoon’s cheek and he missed those times when Jaeseok would cup his face to keep him warm. Those times when this sweater would still smell so much of Jaeseok. Now it is just a sweater that was previously owned by him. The scent had faded but the memories were still clungs to the cloth like a stain that can never be removed forever.

 

“I miss him. I miss everything about him. I miss all the things we used to do together.” Sungyoon felt himself choke from using the past tense. Since when did he tried to talk about Jaeseok and him like it was all in the past?

 

“We miss him too. Though I know you miss him more. You two were inseperable.” Jangjun consoled.

 

“One time, I went outside. I tried. It was a beautiful day actually, it was maybe a month after he left. February, yes. Everyone was enjoying Valentine’s Day that time. I went and bought our favorite cake, our favorite coffee, even bought something to cook for dinner. Everything felt normal for the first time. Then I went here, in the riverside. You know how much I love this place. How many memories all of us had shared in this place. I took photos of the sky, the people. Everything that I saw that time.”

 

Jangjun tried to take everything in. He wanted to cry as he hears Sungyoon talk to him this way again. Everything makes his heart happy but he is to scared that he might pop the bubble and that Sungyoon will be gone once again.

 

“Then I went home, and it was all quiet. I started cooking, preparing the table, the utensils, everything. I even started playing a movie before I start to eat. Then I realized, I prepared food and all for two people. I was waiting for him to arrive even if I know all this time that he is not there with me anymore. That he is someplace else enjoying his life. Being happy without me.” Sungyoon was crying. It broke Jangjun’s heart to see his friend this way but he got to  be strong for him.

 

It was the first time Sungyoon cried after Jaeseok left. And he was glad that he was able to cry everything out now. He was glad someone is with him right now or else he would be shattered into pieces with no one to put him back together again.

 

* * *

 

  
  


A week had passed since he and Jangjun watched the lunar eclipse and Sungyoon avoided his friends once again. All of them were gathered in Daeyeol’s apartment, trying to enjoy the weekend but mostly worrying about Sungyoon again.

 

“I told you that won’t work.” Youngtaek told Jangjun.

 

“I really believed that he was starting to open up again. I guess I can’t do anything right.” Jangjun lowered his head thinking what went wrong.

 

“Hey, we don’t know what is going on with Sungyoon right now. He told you he will try right? He promised you?” Daeyeol held Jangjun’s hand which were trembling now. Jangjun may look tough and all but he gets emotional everytime a bad situation happens to those he cares about the most.

 

“He promised he will be fine. He promised he will return and restart his life.” Jangjun said.

 

And in an instant, all of them received a message from Sungyoon.

  
  


Let me turn this sadness into something tangible. Something I can say goodbye to.

 

Let me turn these tears into words so that everyone will know how much I miss him.

Riverside. 8pm.

  
  


“What the fuck?” Jangjun cursed. “Language, Lee Jangjun!” Daeyeol said. Everyone laughed and the room was filled with happiness and melancholy. 

 

“He ignores as for a week and he goes and talk cryptic to us? What the fuck?” Jangjun swears again but Daeyeol just shrugs.

 

“Hey, isnt this the first message we got from him ever since, you know? That incident.” Jibeom said.

 

“What incident?” Joochan asked, clearly dumbfounded by everything that was happening.

 

“Joochan, where is your brain?” Seungmin said and immediately everyone laughed and teased Seungmin for being brave to talk that way to Joochan.

 

When all the reactions died down and it was an hour before 8pm, all of them got ready and went to the riverside.

 

“He is not dying right?” Donghyun said as soon as they arrive. They were clearly 20 minutes early and there were no sign of Sungyoon.

 

“Please don’t say that.” Bomin holds on to Daeyeol’s arm. Clearly, the youngest was scared of what was happening.

 

“Don’t worry. Sungyoon might be sad but he will never do that.” Daeyeol reassured everyone.

 

They wait for 20 minutes and right on time fireworks appeared right in front of them. The playful colors from the fireworks masking the arrival of Choi Sungyoon.

 

When the fireworks display was out, Sungyoon started playing his guitar.

>   
>  __  
>    
>  __  
> 
> 
> _ So your friend's been telling me _
> 
> _ You've been sleeping with my sweater _
> 
> _ And that you can't stop missing me _
> 
> _ Bet my friend's been telling you _
> 
> _ I'm not doing much better _
> 
> _ 'Cause I'm missing half of me _
> 
> _ And being here without you is like I'm waking up to _
> 
> _ Only half a blue sky _
> 
> _ Kinda there but not quite _
> 
> _ I'm walking around with just one shoe _
> 
> _ I'm half a heart without you _
> 
> _ I'm half a man at best _
> 
> _ With half an arrow in my chest _
> 
> _ I miss everything we do _
> 
> _ I'm half a heart without you _
> 
> _ Forget all we said that night _
> 
> _ No, it doesn't even matter _
> 
> _ 'Cause we both got split in two _
> 
> _ If you could spare an hour or so _
> 
> _ We'll go for lunch down by the river _
> 
> _ We can really talk it through _
> 
> _ And being here without you is like I'm waking up to _
> 
> _ Only half a blue sky _
> 
> _ Kinda there but not quite _
> 
> _ I'm walking around with just one shoe _
> 
> _ I'm half a heart without you _
> 
> _ I'm half a man at best _
> 
> _ With half an arrow in my chest _
> 
> _ 'Cause I miss everything we do _
> 
> _ I'm half a heart without you _
> 
> _ Half a heart without you _
> 
> _ I'm half a heart without you _
> 
> _ Though I try to get you out of my head _
> 
> _ The truth is I got lost without you _
> 
> _ And since then I've been waking up to _
> 
> _ Only half a blue sky _
> 
> _ Kinda there but not quite _
> 
> _ I'm walking around with just one shoe _
> 
> _ I'm half a heart without you _
> 
> _ I'm half a man at best _
> 
> _ With half an arrow in my chest _
> 
> _ I miss everything we do _
> 
> _ I'm half a heart without you _
> 
> _ Without you, without you, half a heart without you _
> 
> _ Without you, without you, I'm half a heart without you _   
> 

 

“Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for being patient. Consider this a gift from me.” Sungyoon bows down in front of his friend smiling genuinely as he gave his thanks to those who never left him.

 

“Welcome back.” Everyone went to hug him as they missed him too.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by twitter user lordbongjae and bominkst


End file.
